Date:	2004-06-27 18:07
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	matchbook romance-if all else fails

forget everything you think you know about me
this isn't high school
-brand new

just forget me, it's that simple
-taking back sunday

closing time
every new beginning
comes from some other beginning's end
-semisonic

and on that note...

if all else fails
you can look up at the sky
because it's the same one
that shines above you and i
and if all else fails
you can close your eyes
and i'll be right beside you
i'll be right by your side
-matchbook romance

People change.
I don't think I'll use this journal for awhile.
Name of my new journal and screen name by request if you want it.
Leave your screen name too because only people on that buddy list can see it so if you want to be added, you better speak up now because I'm not adding anyone who doesn't speak up.

today i received my residential college affiliation...davenport? yeah i have no idea what that means...apparently it is being renovated so that when i move into it my sophomore year it's supposed to be really nice...i'll ask mike about it

was about to write an entry...but then i changed my mind

Date:	2004-06-25 22:48
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	emery - the note from which a chord is built

my mom almost surprised me a little while ago...she asked me what i wanted to do for my birthday...she said i could have a little party if i wanted to...

that was a surprise...but it was no surprise when she followed that up with...

how about all your church friends?

i said no

don't you like being with your friends at church? it's a part of church...blah blah

and once again she's trying to hook me up with the nice chinese girls from church...it's not too hard to see right through her intentions...and it's not that i don't like the church people...it's that i'm not very good friends with them and if i was going to have a small party it'd probably be with people i know better...or people closer to my age, 1 or 2 years difference may not seem a lot...but there's such a huge difference between me and the younger church people...and anyway, there wasn't a single senior who graduated with me at that church...no one can relate to me there for the most part...i have yet to meet a truly athletic kid at that church...sure they're all video games but there's a lot more to my life than video games right now (well maybe not when it comes to savage lol, but yeah anyway...)

whatever, i'm just going to go to sleep now, i have to wake up for a 8 am track practice with baddeley

and i bought the copeland/emery tickets with kian today, looking forward to that

Date:	2004-06-24 20:52
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	ying yang twins - whats happnin

like i told kian the other day...it's a really good feeling when you don't find yourself becoming attracted to every cute girl who tries to talk to you...or girls who are just your friends...it's been like that for a little while, but i didn't really notice it until all the sudden i realized that i am not attracted to courtney at all...cuz we were at the beach and all...and there were so many (outwardly) beautiful ladies...but i just felt like wow, i don't care...good to look at, but most likely not my type...it used to be like that, where i would become good friends with a girl and i would start to like them...but i'm over that now so it's cool...i feel really free...it's funny, i used to stress out over the fact that i've never kissed a girl and that i believed i would mess up unless i got some practice...but that's not a big deal to me anymore either...i remember earlier in the year, talking about wanting to kiss courtney...and andrew told me to go with her to a party sometime and do it...and well i had that chance hanging out at andrew's house earlier in the week...i didn't even think about kissing any of the girls there...i actually just remembered andrew suggesting that to me...but the truth of the matter is, i just don't care...and anyway, i really don't find courtney as attractive as i used to...she's cool and all...but yeah...and she kept calling me joel lol, that was interesting...apparently when she drinks, she thinks my name is joel...and i also just realized that i didn't get caught up all over the fact that she hugged me so many times at one point (she was pretty tipsy at that point haha)...sweet, feeling more like my own person and not a pawn at someone else's mercy...

Date:	2004-06-22 21:55
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	slum village-selfish

so today, i jumped off a bridge...something like 40 foot drop into the water...i did it twice...it was so much fun...except that i hurt my neck somehow, probably cuz i was so tense falling down there...it was crazy...it's not a serious neck injury...just kinda tweaked it...it used to happen to me all the time, cuz i'd practice headspin and if i came down wrong it would tweak my neck...

today was such a tiring day...track practice in the morning, 10-12, then off to the beach, bridge jumping, back to the beach...and then off to track practice 6:30-8:30...i'm so tired...i wanted to play savage, but now i'm just too tired to play...

i'm too lazy to retype the interesting encounter with coach scott at the evening practice:
AsianExpress713: even coach scott knew about madison drinking
AsianExpress713: it was pretty funny actually
AsianExpress713: he said "victor you need my book, 30 ways to get to madison"
AsianExpress713: and i was like...well i already know one of those
AsianExpress713: and allen and i started laughing
AsianExpress713: and i said, but yeah it's not my style at all
AsianExpress713: and out of nowhere coach scott goes...does it involve a bottle?

so yeah, he knows about it too haha...he said that she doesn't do it that much (at least he thinks so), she was just doing it cuz she figured it was her senior year and such..i just want to sit and talk to this girl at the beach or something now...but she's in new york right now...because perhaps she's just like me...i was, after all, at those parties in upenn that were pretty much all keggers and i did my fair share of drinking...but never got drunk...so maybe she was just experimenting and i unfortunately found about it...yeah, never assume anything about anyone...since prom, we haven't really hung out

Date:	2004-06-22 12:31
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	babyface-everytime i close my eyes

haha, i have some disturbing news...let's just say madison wasn't the type of girl i thought she was...and she's not quite as "spiritual" as i had thought...it was very disappointing but you know, i still don't know her all that well so we'll see...i guess i still care, but like i'm not interested in her...yep, courtney saw her at a kegger, you know what that means...but when i look at people, i don't usually judge them before i know them you know? so like people can still be cool even if they drink and such...i mean, if i were to judge them on just that, i might as well judge them based on the music they listen to, how good at school they are...they're all the same in the end, i don't want to judge her just because she drinks...i don't like drinking, but it's her choice...the only thing i can do is stay an example of someone who doesn't drink...a light in the darkness of a party if you will...i think people at little gatherings get angry if people stay sober because they don't want to be reminded of the fact that they're drinking and that they could stay sober themselves...that's just my thought though...i actually talked to baddeley about it a bit...it was cool actually, we talked a bit about teen drinking...cuz when he saw me on the phone he said, "victor were you on the phone with madison again?"...and i told him "no, baddeley, i don't think she's my type anymore...found out she gets a little too into the alcohol"...and he said, "oh so she's the party type? yeah, i figured that...let's just say anything her mom has done, she's probably done once or more...her mom is crazy, i've heard stories about her"....of course i'm paraphrasing because i don't remember the exact words...and then we talked about teen drinking and how high school teens don't drink responsibly for the most part...although last night was pretty responsible, no one went overboard...no one tried to break any records or make a fool of themselves so that was cool...in that kind of setting i would drink...i don't think i would ever drink at a large party...a small gathering, i would, but it depends on whether or not i have track or church, i don't want to mess up my training and God comes first...i remember reading some scripture, something about not drinking to get drunk, because that will lead to debauchery...basically lust, and well, with those people, as hot as those girls are, we're just friends, and i don't really see them in that fashion anymore...like after i read that book, i have a different outlook on the ladies...and it works out better that way because i can care for these people and end up not developing a crush on them like i used to back in the day (which was not so long ago haha)...

today shall be interesting...a little bridge jumping

oh yeah, thought i'd add this...so now i know why she never called me back all those times lol...she probably was too drunk the night before to remember, which is sad, but you know...like she was supposed to call me sunday, but apparently she was at that kegger saturday night after she got off work...that's probably how it worked out before...especially graduation...haha

if you're gonna get drunk, at least write down a plan of things you need to do the next day...courtesy, people, courtesy

and remember to think of me...chinks before drinks

so on saturday was leo gee's little goodbye dim sum...and guess who happens to call me in the middle of it...madison...since we were eating and all...she said she would call me again the next day...but of course...she didn't call at all today...even though i called and even left a message...of course...and i also found out she's not going to new york until tomorrow...so yeah, i had thought she was already in new york and so i didn't mind that she wasn't calling me...but now that i know she was here the whole time and did not even give me a call...well let's just say i've lost most of my respect for her...after being told 3 times she would call me and on one of the occasions in which i told her to call me the next day because she told me i could talk to her about my little arguments with my mom...that's why it's bros before hos because kian was there for me, a good example of what a good friend should be...

although on the other hand...instead of getting a call from madison...i got a surprise call from sarah...who i had tried calling for awhile but i would never be able to get in contact with her...the weird thing is, she's having a graduation party the same day as madison's birthday...that's just very strange...but anyway, talking to her, i started to remember all about camping...and also listening to some of my friends talk about their camping trips made me want to go back out there...it's a once a year thing...

Date:	2004-06-17 15:01
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

is it my fault i actually reply to people when they comment on my journal?

( comments )

or maybe i'm just in love with myself

Date:	2004-06-15 22:17
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious
Music:	jason mraz-love is real

i'm going to see if i can clear up my own feelings about madison...i knew i would forgive her even as i said she's out...but that's just a part of me you know? i try as much as i can to be more like Jesus...i give more of myself and forgive people really easily...although that has always been a part of me even before i truly believed...and after reading that book, i found more reason to forgive her, even though most would say not to...the real question is...infatuation, or not?

( here we are )

first of all, i don't even remember starting to like her as more than a friend...i don't think i have, actually...but for some reason it still nags me so i have to figure this out...initially, when i first saw her, i didn't even think she was that cute...i mean, she was cute...but in the realm of track girls, she just didn't seem that hot...i'm being honest here, i don't mean to be mean...so i wasn't really attracted to her when i found out that she wanted to get to know me...but there was no way i was going to turn down the chance to get to know a cute girl, because it's never been that way before for me...with some random girl wanting to get to know me...i mean, that's why i got all nervous in the first place and didn't talk to her that day she came to our meet...

so when i first met her, there wasn't really that physical attraction, so it doesn't seem like infatuation...but as i got to know her, she became more and more beautiful...i mean, if i were to look at her now, i would think she were one of the most beautiful people i know, inside and out...

i just realized something amazingly crazy

ok, so like i talked about in the last entry, the book said we approach relationships in the following order: physical, emotional, psychological, social, spiritual

i know i haven't explained all the phases yet, but in God's prescription for relationships...it is the exact opposite...meaning you start from spiritual, then go social, psychological, emotional, physical....now the spiritual isn't what you think...i know i groaned when i first read that, but when he explained it, it's just a matter of having a clear understanding of Go'd entire prescription for love, sex, and lasting relationships...which isn't what i had thought it meant...but yeah, anyway

the crazy thing is, this is exactly how my relationship with madison has been developing...our first "date," i did something crazy...i brought up religion very cautiously, and she turned out to be very Christian like myself...and that was a huge relief for me because then i was able to share my testimony without too much discomfort...for some reason i had wanted to share it with her...this was God's way of making some conversation for me...so i mean, we developed this spiritual base right here

and after is supposed to be the social phase...which is pretty well summed up by the author:

"This next phase in building relationships according to our unwritten code involves the partners being drawn into one another's social circles. They meet each other's family and close friends."

and here i meet madison's family...and they are incredibly nice to me...they're all very proud of me, because i can run and because i'm going to a good college...of course, the only part about this phase is that madison hasn't met my parents, but knowing my mom, there's not really any point in them meeting...heh yeah...although madison has met some of my good friends, and they approve haha...and she approves...

psychological phase is just the point where

"the stresses of life and the varied experiences created by the physical, emotional, and social aspects of the relationship create certain questions and needs in the relationship"

basically a test of where the relationship is so far...and you know what, the more i think about this, the scarier it gets...because there's a natural progression if everything works so well here...and i'm just so young and inexperienced to already be thinking about this...

but as for now, i'd like to get to know her better...and she once told me she wants me to meet her friends...so it's ok that she never called me before she left for new york...i suppose she had her reasons...and whatever they are, i've already forgiven her so it doesn't even matter...i just want to see her...this is exciting, but scary

does anybody actually read these from beginning to end? could you leave a comment (anonymous if you must) if you do

Date:	2004-06-15 10:30
Subject:	love, sex, and lasting relationships pt2
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	matchbook romance-save yourself

ok, so the first part i talked about in regards to this book is the view that the world has presented us in reference to relationships, in finding "the one"...now this other part, i'm a little more wary of, because a lot of people will just refuse to read the moment it says God anywhere...the book does a much better job of setting it up so that you will want to read it regardless of whether or not you believe in God...

before he went into God's steps...he talked more about how most people approach finding real love...and he drew an upside-down pyramid and at the bottom is physical, then above that is emotional, then social, psychological, spiritual...and the path he drew was starting at physical and then an arrow up...yeah, that pretty much sounds like the approach most people take...100% physical at first and it's often driven by that infatuation i talked about yesterday...

the physical phase, i think that's pretty self-explanatory...you see the one and "if sparks fly, we move ahead. If not, we keep looking"....

after that comes the emotional phase...the phase where you're falling in love and all that infatuation...

"This phase, precariously balanced ona physical foundation, also tends to be filled with mood swings. Wild adoration can be followed almost instantaneously by insane jealousy. Because so little is actually known about the other person, statements he makes or actions she does are interpreted by the other person's own experiences and attitudes."

actually, i was partially in this phase a few weeks ago i think...because i still remember how i felt when i saw that picture of madison kissing that guy...although at first i just laughed and didn't think much of it...then the moment the other guys at the table started going ohhh noo, who does this girl think she is...i started to become jealous really easily...just cuz she kissed a guy on the cheek, i mean, i don't know her well enough to make any kind of judgement and be jealous...but i let my emotions be overtaken by others' emotions rather than keeping true to myself...but what i mean to say is that yeah, i became filled with all that jealousy, when i barely know the girl, because i based it on my past experiences...you don't base it on something like that, bad idea

i'll do this in short bursts and eventually make one huge entry with everything put together, so that people will read this hopefully and take something out of it

Date:	2004-06-14 22:56
Subject:	love, sex, and lasting relationships - a reaction
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	dntel - the dream of evan and chan

i read the whole book this morning from beginning to end...and i have to say, it's a great book...if only i had read it earlier, because some of what it teaches...i've already had to learn the hard way...which i will of course go over...because there is so much you can learn from in this book if you didn't realize it already...

one of my problems in the past is that i tried to become like the heroes in movies and books...the fantasy books...i've went over this a few times already, but that was awhile ago...so i'll kind of gloss over it right now...i changed myself because i wanted this girl to like me back in 6th grade...i thought, well if i become what the world seems to want, then it'll work out for me...and so i did change...a lot...instead of being more like the other guys and continue to make fun of girls, i immediately changed my act to be this nice guy...as complete of a gentleman as i could be...i ended up becoming really quiet, because i thought it better to be quiet than to continually joke around with everyone...and so i thought doing this would get me the girl...but it never did...and time after time i would do this method of where i would see some girl, "fall in love" when it was really infatuation...and just destroy myself...eventually i learned that things don't quite work like the movies or books as much as i wanted to...

what this book does is give my problem a name and a better explanation...it makes so much sense...exactly what i was going through, the author labeled as "Hollywood's Formula for Lasting, Loving Relationships"...and in summary, the steps were:
1. find the right person
2. fall in love
3. fix your hopes and dreams on this new, improved person you have found have found
4. repeat steps 1-3

i mean, this is really exactly what i used to think...and so many people think...i've been told a lot....the right girl will come...there's a girl out there for you....

but you know what, i really buy into what this book says...and it says that's the wrong outlook...it's the Hollywood method...it's the method that has become a part of our culture throughout the world...through movies, music, books...this method causes all sorts of trouble...especially since "Hollywood equates infatuation with love"...

how many of you can tell the difference between love and infatuation? apparently there was a study in which they found infatuation can last between 6 weeks to 18 months...infatuation, you know what i'm talking about...that feeling you get when you catch the eye of that girl/guy and you can't help but look again...and again...and again...until you're convinced you've fallen in love or that she could be the one...that one look gets us in big trouble...love is a wholly different thing from infatuation...and so often we confuse the two, especially in the midst of all our adolescent feelings in high school...

i will continue this tomorrow, because i'm afraid if i make this entry too long, people won't read it

Date:	2004-06-14 10:34
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

here's a quote, kian you might like this one haha...

So when the strong feelings sneak up on you, when you see someone intriguing, when you meet someone's eyes and your IQ begins to drain away, how do you know whether this is a relationship that God is orchestrating and he has produced this chemistry to draw you to this person, or whether it's just plain old infatuation?

Date:	2004-06-14 09:56
Subject:	love, sex, and lasting relationships
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	telepopmusik-breathe

i'm reading this book right now, and it's really good...i just wish i had read this earlier before i found all this out the hard way heh...it's called love, sex, and lasting relationships...it's actually not what you think...it's more about God's method for us...i'll share sometime when i'm done

I AM 19% EMO! Okay... so I'm not emo at all.. I am probably not even goth, because goths are just messed up emo kids... I am probably a metal head... or into boy bands... Take the EMO test at Fuali.com

except that i like emo

3 strikes, madison's out

i'm done hearing excuses...you either do what you say you'll do, or don't say it at all...although i know in a few days i'll have probably softened up...but you know what, she's not worth my time...excuse me while i brush my shoulders off

tonight i went to my brother's football game, only to find that he wasn't playing because he's hurt...his team won 28-0...my brother plays for the eastside hawks...pretty much unknown semi-pro team... http://www.eastsidehawks.com

i counted up all the change i had and came out with 60 something dollars...that was a good feeling...so i won't have to withdraw money from the bank after all...although i'll need to trade all these rolls of coins for some cash...for some reason, while watching the football game...i began to wish that i had tried football in high school...because ever since i played that tournament with my church...i've been wanting to play...and watching it tonight, i know i could do pretty well with my speed...i also began to get really excited about college...i haven't been excited at all about it...but suddenly i was really looking forward to sitting in my dorm room with a new laptop and then making a name for myself running track...as well as just the whole thought of being with people i don't know...i just feel really good about it now...people keep asking me if i'm excited to go to yale...i wasn't before, i didn't really care...but now i'm pretty excited...

Date:	2004-06-12 00:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	numb
Music:	gruvis malt - low concept, high maintenance

so yeah...today was interesting...saw the day after tomorrow with kian...that was a laugh and a half...haha, houston, we have a problem...i will never look at a cloud the same...and dogs can detect global warming so watch out...

in other news, madison didn't call me...like i had asked her to do...i suppose she'll have some excuse tomorrow, if she even calls then...i seem to remember her telling me earlier in the week that she wants to see me and that she would call me about hanging out later in the week...but no call ever came...i do care...but at the same time i feel like it's no surprise...so it's not that big of a deal, after having it happen so many times in the past with various other people...it's all the same...she seemed concerned for me (as concerned as you can seem when you're talking online...) when i said i was having trouble with my mom, and that i can talk to her...but i had told her that i didn't want to talk about it online or on the phone and that i needed a real person to talk to...and told her to call me tomorrow...which is today, and she didn't...so throws some doubt over her concern...but yeah, maybe she's out partying...graduation parties and all...i just need some female company and comfort i think...perhaps i'll hang out with steph tomorrow...but things usually fall through, my fault though, since i've never been one to say what to do and such...my mom is gone until the 25th...so it's probably ok for me to have a girl over...and my brother is leaving next weekend...which means it will just be me and my sister...and she's gone most of the time...so then it will be real isolation...if only parties were easy to clean...i'd have one...you know, i think my feelings have become really non-existent lately...i just don't feel much anymore, besides a slight bit of sadness or happiness...it's not as much as it used to be...i guess this must be what i sacrificed in order to be so easygoing about everything and not caring about most things...yesterday i really needed someone to talk to...today i didn't need that as much...i just, need to go out and have some fun with people i think...or maybe i just need a hug...i don't know what it is...

i'm so excited...alien vs predator, the movie...is coming out 8/13/04

i'm definitely seeing that opening day

Date:	2004-06-11 01:14
Subject:	this ruined puzzle
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated
Music:	dashboard confessional - this ruined puzzle

does he ever get the girl?

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/preps/176872_starsboys09.html

wow i was totally unprepared for that picture...oh well

Date:	2004-06-09 01:54
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	usher-superstar II

eastside journal athlete of the year banquet was tonight...wow, i have to say, a majority of the girls who get eastside athlete of the week are so good looking...

assembly was lame today...especially with the whole friends deal...shows that we watch way too much tv to make that a theme...some of the pictures got to me though...the pictures of northshore...of times long ago...wow...brought back so many memories...and just when i thought i wasn't going to feel anything, i did feel something during it and senior breakfast...but mostly because of the music...it was the music that got to me...something that was very meaningful to me was the hug sonah gave me...you feel like you mean something to them when they give you the tightest hug they've ever given you...i just really felt the love (of friendship)...kelsi also gave me a really nice hug for a picture she wanted to take of me and her...and tonight after the banquet i saw ashley mcdougal and she looked really pretty as well...and her mom wanted to take a picture of us and she gave me another tight hug...the kind where your faces are pressed together and it just feels really nice...see i don't get those very often, so it's nice when i do...her mom said for me and ashley to keep in touch...i've always meant to ask for her number, but i just never do...a chance lost...ah well...perhaps i'll see her again...and if i really wanted to get her number i know where i could get it...as a side note, leanne bellar looked really good tonight as well heh...

i've been a little more daring lately...i'm just starting to not care because i know that i will be gone and the things i do here probably will just stay here...for example, last year i had that crush or whatever on kc...i told her online that since she would only be about 50 miles from yale that i would take her on a date sometime...because i had always wanted to go on a date with her...although i don't know if she got that message...oh well...just fixing up loose ends that i was always too afraid to approach...although that wasn't really a big deal...

hopefully madison will come through and give me a call so we can hang out before she leaves next week...